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| I miss writing. I miss sitting down in front of the computer and tapping away at the keys so hard and fast it's like i'm firing a machine gun. I miss filling notebooks with my feelings. Now, It's so much easier not to feel at all. Not to dissect every dream, every decision, every thought. Right now, if I were to do that it would just be too depressing. My only choice is to lie to myself. The other night, I found myself writing down lies on a sheet of paper just to convince myself I am this strong person that is in control of everything that is happening. Of course, It's all just a charade right now. But if I tell myself this same lie enough times, i'm bound to believe it eventually, right? | | |
| I've been a bad, bad girl. I've been careless with a delicate man. And It's a sad, sad world when a girl will break a boy just because she can. | | |
| It's what I get for letting my iTunes run freely. Juliana Theory comes on without warning. The music takes me straight back to sitting on the school bus alone in 7th grade listening to my discman at full volume. Why did I do that to myself? All it did was drive me further into my head where I certainly didn't need to be. It's amazing how a single song can bring me right back to a place in time I swore my mind would never visit again. I am so often bitter about all the time I wasted in the past 7 or so years feeling lonely or jipped or incomplete or entirely infatuated with someone who turned out to be a fake. I wasted time having feelings that were only a product of my imagination or the deceit of others. I can't believe I let an adult bully me. I can't believe someone entrusted me with a secret just because they couldn't handle the burden themselves. Here's a hint: If what you're doing in the bedroom is too fucked up for you to handle yourself and you have to tell a 14 year old girl, you probably just shouldn't be doing it. It's not my burden to carry. All it did was make me sick to my stomach. I was young. I was malleable. I was immature and I was trying to become someone. Fuck everyone that treated me like the donkey at a child's birthday party and pinned their burdens on me. For the shit you pulled, you're all the real asses. | | |
| I've never been so deeply hurt by anyone before. I have never felt so rejected, so unappreciated, so angry. I am so upset i have no idea how to handle it. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but i know that wouldn't even scrape the surface of the anger i'm feeling. I want to drive my car far away, but i don't know where i would go, if it would actually help anything, if the gas in my tank would get me very far at all. and then there's the fear of ending up anywhere near you. i don't want that. I am so mad i want to throw my body off a tall building or see how fast my car can go, and how many pieces it could turn into when it collides with something solid. of course, i'm not that irresponsible. But i think i am irresponsible enough, and desperate enough today, to down enough vodka to pass out. maybe if i could just sleep this day away, and then tomorrow when i wake up maybe i won't be so angry (but i know i will be). and i guess that's considered alcoholism. and that never ends well for anyone. so i'm left sitting here contemplating not what i'm going to do to have some dignity and decide whether this will or will not ever work, but just how i'm going to make it through today. the knot in my stomach gets worse everyday and i really think i'm getting an ulcer. it is not healthy that i've spent all of this semester, and undoubtedly will spend the rest, feeling sick to my stomach with anger and bitterness and sometimes the feeling of all out rage. and sadness and hurt that means nothing to anyone and inevitable turns into bitterness. i really don't see how this could get any worse, but hell, i've said that before and life has shown me that it knows no boundaries. it can get lower and lower forever and even though i feel like i couldn't possibly feel any more pain and still be alive, it proves me wrong. and even though i feel like you couldn't possibly treat me any shittier and still make me feel like it's all my fault, you prove me wrong. you perservere. and the biggest problem of all is that i can't find anywhere else to turn. i can't scroll through my phone another time because it only makes me realize nobody wants to hear it, nobody wants to return text messages, nobody would even understand what it's like to be angry the way i am. | | |
| I've never been more honest with myself when I admitted that instead of being matured by the responsibilities I've had to take on in life, they've made me more bitter than ever. Mostly towards you because I know you don't understand. Not that being taken care of is wrong or something that's fair to hold against you, but I know that since you've never had to worry about money, you don't understand what it's like to not have very much. I guess that's why it infuriated me so much when you complained that it would be expensive for you to come visit me if I transferred 6 hours away. You took it back when you realized how much it pissed me off, but it still came out of your mouth in the first place and that's what keeps bothering me. This is not a good time for us. You are either going through a selfish period or you're just becoming a selfish person. I can't tell which it is. We decided the most important thing this semester would be being able to talk to kill the loneliness I would assuredly experience. I know your life isn't easy, but honestly, you are the one who is away at college being on a team and taking real classes and partying and having tons of friends and is about to pledge. I think that sounds pretty ideal. I know it gets stressful having so many things going for you that you have to manage, but I do think I have it a little worse than you right now because even if the things you have going for you are stressing you out, at least you have something going for you at all. I can't say the same right now. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or wallow, it just is what it is. That's why I wish that I could talk to you about the problems I'm having without you acting as though you're too stressed and you don't have the time or energy to deal with someone else's problems. Honestly, it's insulting. It makes it seem like you think you're problems are more important, or more valid, than mine. I love you. It's completely true. It's just that, apart from that, everything else is clashing. I need someone who can be there for me the way I am willing to be there for them, and I think you just need something easy and effortless-someone who is willing to listen patiently to all your grief and doesn't expect you to listen to theirs in return. I desperately hope you will prove me wrong. I don't want to just suffer through this semester feeling like i'm at the bottom of your list of very important things to attend to. Because the fact is, if you can't pick me up when i'm down, we've got no foundation on which to build anything more. | | |
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